Surreality

I just downloaded an archived zip file of every blog entry I ever wrote on my original FalknerIsFalkner blog.  Which, as far as I can tell, is going to be automatically shut down soon.  Apparently Xanga's going to be changing its format to a pay-only blog site, kept alive only through a Kickstarter campaign.  I plan on not paying.  FalknerIsFalkner will finally, truly, be dead.

This is a very weird moment for me.  FalknerIsFalkner was a very important part of my development as a human being, I think.  I chronicled every terrible decision I ever made during college on that blog (even if most of it was painfully vague).  I also recorded the good times, of course, but it was always the awful stuff that made for the most interesting reading.

Of course, in retrospect, most of it can probably summed up in one of two phrases: either, "Relationships are harder than teenagers will ever truly realize," or, "Waffles are best as nouns, not verbs."  Suffice to say, I was a spectacularly emo young man once upon a yesteryear, patently aware of it mind you, but still somehow managing not to do a damn thing about it.  My goodness, how much heartache I could've avoided in my early 20's simply by having a friggin' spine.

But for all its emo-tastic-ness, the blog kept me a lot more levelheaded than perhaps I might've been.  I was able to get my thoughts out, physically look at them, and determine where to go from there.  I felt saner when I blogged, like my opinion actually mattered to someone, even when it didn't.  I'll forever be grateful for that.

***********

For all its naturally-baked-in nostalgia, though, FalknerIsFalkner will always be a surreal experience for me to look back on.  I feel like I barely resemble that man anymore, which I have to admit is a good thing all things considered.  I no longer concern myself with my own self-worth; I am, by definition, worthy of myself, after all.  I no longer worry about my relationships statuses.  I'm a blissfully married man and suddenly father of a bouncing baby boy; I'd say my relationships status is pretty taken.

I no longer worry about the future.  I can genuinely say now, "The future will worry about itself," which is something I could never do before.  I used to live in utter dread of what the future held, because I knew so little about it, or more specifically my place within it.  Now I understand that my place is wherever I make it.  And there are worse things than fitting into a groove to which you did not expect yourself to associate.

And make no mistake about it, I never expected to find myself associated with the life I currently lead.  Joel the B.?  Baggage Handler for Delta Air Lines?  In Arizona?  How did I even get here?

Well, by car, for starters.  By marriage, loosely.  But most importantly... by my own choosing.

I am here because I chose to be here.  This is my life because I chose it.  There is no waffling to be had anymore; my life has become my own, for better and worse.  And I am quite convinced that being at the helm of one's own life is a far better state of affairs than ever letting anyone else steer your course, regardless of the outcome.

So here I am.  In Mesa, Arizona.  At 3:13 on a Thursday morning, Pacific Standard Time.  Blogging about how I used to be such an emo blogger.  And wondering how I ever did this whole "surviving on four hours of sleep" thing on a regular basis.

*shrug* I guess I am getting older, after all.

- jdb

Arise.

So, uh. This is weird.  I had honestly completely forgotten this blog existed.  I have a blogger account. Odd.

And by golly, it's SOOOOO much better a format than Xanga.  So simple.  So direct. Colors and words. Ts'all you need.

So I think I'm going to migrate back over to this one from the Xanga blog.  I know, bunny trails... but I like this one better. And I definitely have something to say now.

I'm a daddy.

*smiles broadly* Felix David Blackburn is an amazing little guy. He's tiny, but so strong.  He's got his father's furrowed brow but his mother's beautiful eyes, if not either parent's eye color.  He's got a pretty powerful set of lungs on him, but his wails aren't really overly loud, and they're definitely few and far between.  (We'll see how long that one lasts.  Hehh.)  He's a very decidedly healthy, active, alert little boy.

A boy. Guys, I have a son. I mean, that is wild.  Ang and I had pretty much been expecting a girl this whole time.  No real reason exactly, just a feeling we had... and he's a boy. I'm blown away.  I get to pass on the Blackburn name.  I get to have father/son bonding times.  This is both massively exciting and a mite overwhelming, and I couldn't be more thrilled with such a prospect.

I'm so looking forward to finding out what Felix likes.  Will he like LEGOs like me?  (Please yes.)  Will he like cars and trucks more than I did?  Will he like sports sooner than me?  Heck, will he prefer dancing to football?  I can't wait.  :-D

And I think I'll leave it there for now.  I plan on sitting down sometime soon and writing down the details of the birth for you all, because I think it's definitely a story worth sharing.  But I'll leave it at that for the time being.

Everybody, I wish you all the greatest of days and best of health.

- jdb

The Inevitable.

Welp. This was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm not sure if it's sooner or later, but here it is.

I'm going to blog again.

Obviously, this is not Xanga. This is Blogger, which, back when I first set up an account in the first place, used to be called Blogspot. Back then I just wanted to be able to comment. I've been amazed that, ever since then, the Blogger website has been able to recognize that I'm apparently still logged in every single time I return to a Blogger blog, regardless of how long it's been or if the computer's been shut off or whatever.

But I digress.

Yes, I'm going to blog again. I have come to the conclusion that I need this. If just for the sake of keeping my creative juices from stagnating into pickle juice, I need this. I've really missed my old chronicle, and by golly, I'm gonna have it again whether I have anything to chronicle or not!

So why Blogger and not Xanga? Well, for starters, Xanga seems to have gone the way of the buffalo. It's hardly extinct, but neither is it surviving very well out in the wild. Clearly plenty of people still use it, but I know roughly two of them, and the rest all seem to be outside my social conciousness. Suffice to say, I really couldn't care less what Datingish or Mancouch or Revelife have to say about pretty much anything, and don't care much to look anymore.

In addition to this, I've always sort of quietly admired Blogger's format. It's simple, and hey, we all know Joel likes simplicity, right? Maybe I'll try to fool around with the colors or something later, but for now, this works for me. Simple. Yeah.

Anyway, I hope this turns into something a bit more interesting than my last blog ended up being. I'm gonna go eat my pizza which turned out not as thoroughly cooked as I'd hoped. Yay!

Song stuck in my head: Have You Ever - Incubus