Surreality

I just downloaded an archived zip file of every blog entry I ever wrote on my original FalknerIsFalkner blog.  Which, as far as I can tell, is going to be automatically shut down soon.  Apparently Xanga's going to be changing its format to a pay-only blog site, kept alive only through a Kickstarter campaign.  I plan on not paying.  FalknerIsFalkner will finally, truly, be dead.

This is a very weird moment for me.  FalknerIsFalkner was a very important part of my development as a human being, I think.  I chronicled every terrible decision I ever made during college on that blog (even if most of it was painfully vague).  I also recorded the good times, of course, but it was always the awful stuff that made for the most interesting reading.

Of course, in retrospect, most of it can probably summed up in one of two phrases: either, "Relationships are harder than teenagers will ever truly realize," or, "Waffles are best as nouns, not verbs."  Suffice to say, I was a spectacularly emo young man once upon a yesteryear, patently aware of it mind you, but still somehow managing not to do a damn thing about it.  My goodness, how much heartache I could've avoided in my early 20's simply by having a friggin' spine.

But for all its emo-tastic-ness, the blog kept me a lot more levelheaded than perhaps I might've been.  I was able to get my thoughts out, physically look at them, and determine where to go from there.  I felt saner when I blogged, like my opinion actually mattered to someone, even when it didn't.  I'll forever be grateful for that.

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For all its naturally-baked-in nostalgia, though, FalknerIsFalkner will always be a surreal experience for me to look back on.  I feel like I barely resemble that man anymore, which I have to admit is a good thing all things considered.  I no longer concern myself with my own self-worth; I am, by definition, worthy of myself, after all.  I no longer worry about my relationships statuses.  I'm a blissfully married man and suddenly father of a bouncing baby boy; I'd say my relationships status is pretty taken.

I no longer worry about the future.  I can genuinely say now, "The future will worry about itself," which is something I could never do before.  I used to live in utter dread of what the future held, because I knew so little about it, or more specifically my place within it.  Now I understand that my place is wherever I make it.  And there are worse things than fitting into a groove to which you did not expect yourself to associate.

And make no mistake about it, I never expected to find myself associated with the life I currently lead.  Joel the B.?  Baggage Handler for Delta Air Lines?  In Arizona?  How did I even get here?

Well, by car, for starters.  By marriage, loosely.  But most importantly... by my own choosing.

I am here because I chose to be here.  This is my life because I chose it.  There is no waffling to be had anymore; my life has become my own, for better and worse.  And I am quite convinced that being at the helm of one's own life is a far better state of affairs than ever letting anyone else steer your course, regardless of the outcome.

So here I am.  In Mesa, Arizona.  At 3:13 on a Thursday morning, Pacific Standard Time.  Blogging about how I used to be such an emo blogger.  And wondering how I ever did this whole "surviving on four hours of sleep" thing on a regular basis.

*shrug* I guess I am getting older, after all.

- jdb

Darn you, XKCD.

Gosh darn you to heck, XKCD.

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Anyway, I think I know why I haven't been blogging, actually.

I've been actually writing.

Like... my story. For those of you who might be unaware, I've been attempting to write a science-fiction-y type of novel thing since, like, 8th grade or so. I actually had completed about three and a quarter little novella-length stories in the series, until I realized that I wasn't in 8th grade anymore (by now I was in 12th and getting ready for college) and my younger self kind of sucked as a writer.

Well, maybe that's a bit harsh. Let's say I hadn't yet learned the joys of proofreading back then. Still working on it, really.

Whatever the case, it became apparent at some point that my original stories were mostly junk riddled with a few good paragraphs here and there and that I was going to need a serious retooling of the series if I ever really wanted to turn it into something publishable. I think I determined this about the time that my parents' computer decided to melt its hard drive on itself and I lost nearly everything I had ever written on that thing (years and years of work, gone... I still get a little depressed when I think about it). At that point, all I had left was a printed copy of the first book, which was about 60 pages long on unspaced, 10-pt Times New Roman, so whatever that would equal in book form. I still have that, which I affectionately refer to as "The Hard Copy," the original tome from which my work is based. However, at the time, I was just so bummed about losing all that work (most of the best stuff I'd written was in books 2 and 3), I kind of gave up on the idea entirely, and I just about stopped writing entirely other than occasional poetry.

A few years back, however, I took a look back at the Hard Copy and got an itch to enter these characters' world again. I made a decision to commit to actually writing something worth reading, not just writing something for fun in my spare time.

So, over the course of the past three or four some odd or even years (that's probably terrible grammar in that sentence, but nuts to it), I've been working on retelling my tale of space-age comedy and intrigue. It wasn't originally intended to be a comedy, but that ended up happening to one extent or another. I was originally inspired to write the story in the first place because, at the time, I had just discovered Star Wars and thought it was the awesomest thing since slicing bread with a lightsaber. Several chapters into it, however, I discovered my favorite book of all time, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and was inspired to switch the feel of the book towards humor. This is actually probably why it didn't work as well as it might've, because I have a very... um... singular sense of humor. As in, things I might find hilarious probably wouldn't be so to 95% of humanity.

Consequently, the story is now about 90% altered from its original state. It's much more drama oriented, with hints of comedy thrown in for good measure (because unless you're Isaac Asimov or Arthur C. Clarke or something, you have no right to be writing humorless science-fiction). Nearly every character has received a dramatic overhaul in personality, or they've been eliminated altogether. The plot itself doesn't even begin to resemble the Hard Copy, save for the fact that the main character is still a man named Richard Crane and his parents are dead. (I'm trying my hardest not to make him either Batman or Iron Man, truly I am. The Iron Man connection is particularly difficult to get around. I think I've succeeded in making him his own character, though. I hope.)

But what matters most is that I'm actually writing again. I'm actually making headway. When last I checked, I believe I had made it to 48 pages, single spaced still, 11-pt Times New Roman, and only five chapters so far. Five! I had like 25 or something in the entire Hard Copy. I'm actually enjoying where my story is going. I feel like I could actuallys it down and enjoy reading it. That, to me, is a win, at least so far.

Anyway, I've been dedicating a great deal of time to that over the past two weeks, particularly last week (a chapter and a half!), and I pretty much only take free time after work before I pick Angela up from Denny's. We try to spend as much time that we actually have together together, rather than retreating to respective corners of the apartment to do solitary activities. We got married for a reason, after all. We kinda like spending time with each other. :-)

So, I write when I'm alone. I also blog, for the most part, when I'm alone, because blogs can take a good half an hour to an hour to churn out sometimes, and that's time I could be spending with Ang if she's here. So yeah. If I've been quiet lately, 7 times out of 10 it's been because I've been writing. Productively.

For the moment, I'm going to go review a movie or two on my other blog, which is also in dire need of updating. Honest, I really do intend to make this a more regular blogging experience. Maybe if I sprinkle some prune juice on the computer...



(cuz... then... it'd be more regular...)




(I'll shut up now...)

Song stuck in my head: That's How You Know - Amy Adams