Reflection, as per the norm, I guess

Happy New Year.

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This is the part where I look back on 2013 and marvel at how far I've come in only a year. Arguably, I have vastly more reason to do this in regards to 2013 than I have in many years prior. I became a father. I've moved from one massive-yet-isolated state to another massive-if-slightly-less-isolated state. I stepped down from a full-time position in Phoenix to a less-paying, less benefitted Ready Reserve position in Denver just so I could be with my family. I've actually applied for a second job here at the airport to ensure we're making enough to get by.

I could marvel, for sure, at the choices I've made and the consequences thereof, but since when has hindsight ever brought us anything but regret or nostalgia? I know what I did wrong this past year. I know what I've done right. I intend to continue with the right-doing.

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One thing I will not do is make a stupid New Year's Resolution.

I do not mean to say that New Year's Resolutions are, inherently, stupid. They can be useful, I think; they often, I also think, are not.

So, in accordance with this, I do NOT resolve the following:

1. To update this blog with any regularity. It simply isn't going to happen. I have no time. Ever. I'm gonna be working almost exclusively in the coming months, and when I'm not, I'll be a father and a husband. Or sleeping.
2. To "be a better" anything. No amount of sentiment will ever make this happen. And what does "better" mean here anyway? Better person? Better parent? Better card player? Either I'm a good person or I'm not. I refuse to guilt myself into thinking I'm not worthy of myself as I am.

What I DO resolve is this:
1. To be happy with who I am. There is nothing wrong with me.
2. To be happy with where I am. This is considerably harder. I know having kids is expensive, but I never expected it to hit us quite as hard as it has. I really love Colorado, but I did not want to move here, at least not like this. I will strive to be happy with my current situation, because it will not be like this forever. And in accordance with that...
3. To be back to financial stability/independence by the end of the summer. Preferably sooner. Some things need to go our way for that to happen, but I know we can get there.

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All things considered, I expect great things in 2014. My son will walk in the next few months. He'll start talking. He's already crawling everywhere and babbling up a storm. He's eating baby food now and seems to have figured out that non-milk foodstuffs can be kinda yummy.

This year should be a good one. Last year was wonderful and awful all at the same time, a bipolar year if ever there was one. I expect a much more chemically balanced year in 2014, if not an easy one.

So here's to the New Year. I expect a good one. How 'bout you?

- jdb

Commitment

I want everything to fit.

This might be the single hardest part of life for me. I need for everything to fit. Square pegs in triangular holes bug the crap out of me. Life should be like a cascade of harmonic cadences, not necessarily a perfectly arranged set of dominoes, but at least an artfully crafted Rube Goldberg machine.

So when you have a series of square pegs attempting to slide into holes whose shapes range from circles to stars to the outline of Nebraska, I get a little... nervous.

Right now, the holes are still square-shaped... but it's a decidedly tight fit.  I'm currently on my way riding standby flights from Denver to Phoenix, where I will have to work at two in the afternoon Arizona Time.

Meanwhile, Angela, Felix, the puppies, and most everything we own save a few bare necessities remain here in Denver.  Waiting for me to catch up.

I've been reluctant to mention much about this... but this is where we are right now.  Ang and I will be living apart for a little while, she with her parents and I with my thoughts.  The reason for this is two-fold: money (or lack thereof) and the need for extra help with Felix. I'll be living in a studio apartment for the next few months, significantly cheaper than we'd been paying, while attempting to work extra hours at the airport as much as possible.

Rest assured of two things: first, Ang and I are in a wonderful place in our relationship, so there's no reason to be concerned about how this will affect us there.  This is a mutual decision; we're going into this together, if physically apart.

And second, this is by no means intended to be a prolonged arrangement.  I've been told that a position should be opening up in the Denver airport for Delta Airlines on the ramp within the next month.  At that time, I'll put in for it, and once we go through the process, I'll be moving up to Denver as well.  It shouldn't be longer than a couple months' time.

One silver lining: I work in the airline industry. Therefore, so long as there are flights available, I can fly up to visit on my days off.

(Oh. Wonderful. Because of the snow, we've been delayed an hour for deicing. An hour.  Because of snow. On October 4th. Definitely missing my second flight.)

Well, anyway. I guess that's all for now. I reiterate: it's going to be a very hard couple of months. But it should only be a couple months. We will get through this okay.

Square pegs can be carved in the shape of Nebraska, I believe.

- jdb

I named him Pesto.

Hypocrisy is a funny thing. It can be something simple, like telling your kids not to eat cookies in bed when you know full well you munch on crackers and cream cheese in your own bed. It could be something a bit bigger, like telling your kids not to have sex before marriage when you know full well you've been having an affair with your boss's secretary. (Neither of these examples are taken from personal experience of any kind. FYI.)

Today, I found myself facing an odd sort of hypocrisy: cruelty to animals.

Ever seen those pictures in commercials or on the internet from Greenpeace or whoever showing images of poor, dilapidated animals covered in oil from oil spills compliments of Exxon Mobil or Royal Dutch Shell? They're supposed to have white fur or feathers or something, but they're completely black from being soaked in oil?

Any time I'd see one of these pictures, I wouldn't really think much of anything.

Today at work, I saw a minor version of this in real life. I was working a 767-400, real big plane, so big in fact that the normal air-conditioning hose wouldn't reach to attach to the outlet on the bottom of the plane. (We hook up a massive AC hose while the plane is still operating on ground power, before it powers up itself.) Instead, we had a portable AC unit parked near the port-side engine.

As we were moving it in preparation to push the plane out, a pigeon hopped out from underneath the AC unit and nearly got run over. I had to shoo it out to keep it from getting smooshed.

And after the AC unit was gone, it just sort of sat there. I tried to shoo it a little more, but he just kept coming back. He couldn't fly very well and, on closer examination, looked a little blacker than most pigeons.

A little like this:

Only not quite so covered in oil. I felt really bad for the little guy. He didn't look injured exactly, but it was clear that he wasn't in the best of health. He hopped away gingerly under a nearby truck, and I hoped he would keep going after we'd left.

An hour and a half later, we'd already had another plane come in, turned it, and sent it on its way. I headed over there again, just to see. Sure enough, there he sat, now entrenched under the water cooler furiously drinking up as much as he could.

I decided to name him Pesto. That would make him named after this guy:

Good ol' Pesto. Always making Joe Pesci-esque threats.

Anyway, far as I know, that pigeon is still there, hiding underneath the Gate 15 jetway. I really feel sorry for the little dude. He seems petrified to go anywhere else, and from what I can tell he looks like he might've been doused a little in oil from the AC unit. Not a lot, but the AC unit was there overnight, so he might've been there overnight as well.

It is here that we come to see the apparent hypocrisy I'm finding myself experiencing. Those pictures of baby seals covered in oil? Never meant anything to me. Still doesn't, really. I mean, we need oil. If we're going to get around anywhere in this society, we need oil to put in our vehicles. Right?

Then I see this pigeon. And I kinda hate pigeons. They're annoying and everywhere. But this little guy is ailing, seems terrified to even breathe, and my heart goes out to him. A pigeon!

So... apparently I feel bad for animals that I can actually see in front of me, but animals halfway across the world that I merely see pictures of... not so much. That makes me feel good.

Meh. I'm not really depressed about it or anything. Just... introspective, I guess. Thought I would share.

In other news, hypocrisy is a really weird word to spell. Just look at it. The "hypo" part I get. But "crisy"? Come on, English language, throw me a freakin' bone here!

Song stuck in my head: FNT - Semisonic

Fitter than the average Joel B.

Today promises to be an eventful day. It's my first of two days off at the airport, but at 11:30 this morning (Arizona time, of course), I get to take a Physical Agility Test and hearing test in relation to my recent hiring with Delta Air Lines. For those that may not be aware yet, I've been working at a company called Airport Terminal Services for the past year, which was contracted out to Delta, as opposed to working directly for them. Not a terrible deal... except that it skips over all the main benefits of working for an airline. Like free flights on Delta routes.

Well no more. Far as I'm aware, once I'm officially a Delta employee, I'll have the perks of being able to fly anywhere that Delta flies free of charge. Not sure if that means anyone who flies with me can fly for free too, but heck, one free ticket is one free ticket. Totally gonna take advantage of this. :-)

But yes, because of this, today I take the Physical Agility Test, in order to determine if I'm physically fit enough to perform the job that I'm already doing. It involves 3 full minutes of walking up and down a step, lifting 70 lbs. multiple times to multiple shelves, etc. A year ago, I probably would've been nervous about something like that.

Today? Bring it on.

This really makes me happy. Physical labor is no longer a daunting prospect to me. It's not like I'm all of a sudden able to bench twice my own body weight or something, I'm just... well... healthy. Hehh.

I think when Ang and I get around to having kids, I'm going to require them to do something physically demanding like once a day or something. Like, for an hour a day or something, "Okay, time to go outside and run a lap around the block, kids!" Perhaps we'll have kids who actually like playing outside and this won't be an issue, but if my kids are anything like me, I'm gonna need to drill this into them.

Anyway, later today at 3, Ang and I are going to be meeting with some people for this company called Primerica, which is like a sort of amalgamation of a bunch of different financial services (morgaging, consolidating, debt consulting, and the like). We're doing this because we went to a sort of business pep rally for the company last night intended as something of a recruitment and training meeting. I'll get more into that later.

For now, I'm going to eat breakfast with my beautiful wife. Happy morning, everyone!

Song stuck in my head: Paper Bag - Fiona Apple